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Cleaning since 1956. Former Member IICRC, CCINW for over 20 years. O.S. Mc Dowell Award 1992. Steve Morris Award 1992. CCINW Oregon Chapter President 1981-1982. CCINW board member 1981-1986. Certified Fabrics Inspector in 1973 by the Association of Interior Decor Specialists International. Certified Expert Cleaner in 1973 by the Association of Interior Decor Specialists International. | |
Heacocks Custom Cleaning- where your expectations and our expertise meet, for your total satisfaction.
Retired from cleaning in August 2004. Still selling products on the internet.
Thanks for dropping by.
Gary R. Heacock
or call (503) 287-8516
If you are wanting the finest cleaning of carpets, upholstery or loose rugs
in the Portland Oregon area, contact Walt Bush,
who has taken over my business from my son Alan.
Contact Walt at- 503-332-9046 or cell 971-226-4027.
His company is called Eco- Clean Carpet Cleaning.
15170 SW Opal Drive Beaverton, OR 97007
See Walt's web site at- www.eco-clean.info
E-mail Walt at- wbush@mac.com
Here, on my web site, there are solutions to many problems in the home, office, and on the job of cleaning.
Make your life easier with products from Heacocks.com.
Please look around by clicking on the buttons, and read the jokes.
Read my stories of my younger days in the Navy
and stories I wrote for my grandchildren
and in the cleaning business since 1956.
 | Carpet and Furniture Cleaning In Homes / Apartments / Businesses |
| Guaranteed Odor Control |
| Application of Fabric Protectors |
| Bi-O-Kleen Cleaning Products |
| Professional Cleaning Accessories |
| Manuals. New!! Chapter list. |
| Plant Wash Loose Rugs |
| Water Damage Cleanup and Drying |
| Wand marks on porcelain? Here's the answer. |
| Does your wand whistle? Here's the answer. |
| Filtration lines? Here's the answer. |
| Yellowing problems? Here's the answer. |
| Advice to "Do It Yourself " people. |
| See what's new on Heacocks.com On Line Mall. |
| Links to my friends web sites, forums, businesses. |
| Turbo Steam Cleaning System |
| Want a web site of your own? Neil Heacock is a professional Web Site developer
who made this one, and many others. To see some examples of his work, click this button.
Heacocks Cleaning University Of The Internet How I clean carpets, upholstery, rugs, and other information. Pictures of my Alaska trip and my Las Vegas trip. You found my Home page! Thanks! Check out all of the above pages by clicking on the buttons. For more information, estimates, or comments- I would like to hear from you- Want to get in our humor/ joke circle? Just say- I am easily amused- send me jokes. Do you have a web site? Do you sell things on your web site? Don't have one, still want to sell stuff on the internet? Let me post it on my site, and we will both get rich together. E-commerce is getting bigger all the time. Look at amazon.com, eBay.com, etc., so why not get into the act? If you have a product to sell, let me add it to my line on my web site, and you add my stuff to your line on your web site. Newest item!! Alien Anti-Abduction Disk!! Only $10.00!! Absolutely guaranteed to prevent abduction by Aliens!! Please send e-mail to Gary R. Heacock or call (503) 287-8516 Genuine Imitation Mouse Skin Rugs for sale. $5.00. Makes amusing coaster, etc. Do not accept the fake Imitation Mouse Skin Rugs- only the Genuine Imitation Mouse Skin Rugs. (Not a joke- I really make and sell these.) Jokes A lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Dakota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in California and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the North Dakota Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What's that?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn." [I love this part.....] The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck." A man goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for a file. Clerk: What are you going to use the file for? Man: I need to file my parrots beak. Clerk: You can't do that! It'll kill the parrot. Man: You're crazy! Just give me the file. So the man buys the file and a week later he comes back into the store. Clerk: So, how did it go with your parrot? Man: You were right; as soon as I took his head out of the vice, I knew he was dead. Quitters never win, and winners never quit, but people who never quit and never win are idiots. The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures. I go to a lawyer with a problem. I ask him "Do you handle this kind of problem? He says he does. I say- "How much do you charge?" He says "$50.00 per question" I say- "Isn't that kind of steep?" He says- "Yes it is, and that's $150.00 you owe me so far." A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am". The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed....it said..."It is 5.00am, wake up!" The sheriff goes into the saloon, asks the bartender if he had seem Brown Paper Jake. The bartender says he does not know Brown Paper Jake- what does he look like? The sheriff says "He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots." The bartender says- "Can't say I have ever heard of him. What do you want him for?" The sheriff says "Rustling". A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." .........You're gonna love this.......... The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate." - This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads" True Police statements..... "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" "Warning! You want a warning? OF.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?" "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid." "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me." Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. My poor wife was sick in bed with the flu this past January. And me being the dutiful lil' husband I am, offered to fix her some of her favorite herbal tea. I couldn't find the damn tea though and yelled upstairs asking where the hell it was. She said, "I don't know how it could be any easier to see. It's in the pantry, third shelf down, in a cocoa tin marked 'matches'." An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel, and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural- history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?" "Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'." I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another... I said, "Let's go back to my place." She said, "Oh, do you have cable?" I said, "No...But I have some old ropes that should hold just fine..." A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills. Well if he's the undisputed champion of the world, then what's all the fighting about? We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control. Q: What is the first thing you know? A: Old Jed's a millionaire. Tom found a rather unique butane lighter. It was slightly corroded and needed some work. So he went to the store and found lighter butane with a dozen or so adapters on its lid and a claim that it would fit most refillable butane lighters. He looked at the lighter itself and saw the brand name was "oddiz". Naturally, that one wasn't listed. After many attempts to use the adapters, he pretty much gave up and gave it to his son to try. His son looked over the lighter and said, "I didn't know 'Zippo' made refillable butane lighters." A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. "Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down" "Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man. "No, because he's heavy," says the vet. When a person with experience meets a person with money, the one with experience gets the money, and the one with the money gets the experience. Please send e-mail to Gary R. Heacock or call (503) 287-8516 |
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